Because I feel like you haven’t had enough. Right? Haha.
Things have been getting… better-ish.
Grad school update: I’m still 0-8, but technically I’ve only submitted 2 applications so far so I can’t really say for certain; it’s more like 0-2. But I’ll get at least 1 more in before the weekend’s over, and hopefully another 3 before the end of next week if I get one last letter of rec I’m waiting on. I’m stressing about the last two because one is my #1 choice and the other because I’m teetering about not applying after all (I’m wondering if it’s really a good fit after all, over all).
Minimalism update: Not so great. I went shopping and bought stuff… stuff I didn’t need but (for example) I couldn’t turn down an amazingly cute cardigan. Yes, I am a girl and I have female tendencies like when I can’t say no to sweaters that have pink chiffon trim (found here). Sorry. I also got new glasses (no pic yet since my lenses still have to arrive). But that’s not really related to minimalism so much as, I needed glasses that didn’t fall off my face every time I leaned over.
Life Update: Growing up and living in the city, I never realized how having the friends I do has shaped me. How it has made some things feel normal and others completely foreign. Take moving to rural Chile for example; that seems far less absurd than moving to suburban Iowa (nothing against suburban Iowa, I’m sure it’s very nice there). Or being almost thirty and having nothing really to show for it besides a Bachelors degree and some solid professional experience.
Granted, this one I’m a bit slow on the uptake on. My closest friends have at least a Masters, and solid work experience while the others have at least one of those and are in a long term relationship.
Which makes me wonder, where did I miss the turn off? I mean… I know it’ll all eventually even out with the experience or the degree but my friends that juggle it all and the relationships – especially the healthy ones. Did they take a seminar in undergrad? Was it part of their major? I know it wasn’t but I can’t help but wonder…
What was the defining moment when being open to and willing to put the effort (a key step) into a relationship tumbled down the list of priorities for me?
Is it because I assume that all relationships will ultimately fail? That there is no point if it will end in divorce anyway? Because lets face it, my generation doesn’t believe in fighting for love, they believe in filing for irreconcilable differences over who gets the remote.
And ironically despite my apathy, it’s only in protection of romanticism. The idea that marriage should be sacred; that soul mates should exist and that fidelity should be upheld. That boundaries should be respected and trust should be both earned and upheld. That neither should go to bed angry, and that there shouldn’t be a reason to fear talking about important things. That no topic should be off the table.
Personally, I wish it was as easy as just knowing. Just knowing that even through the bad times, through having no money, no idea where the hell life is headed in that particular moment (which would be a terrible moment for someone like me), or whether or not you both are going to make it through the holiday at the in-laws this year… that you’re in this together. That hands are clasped together. No one is running. No one is reaching for a cell phone to text a friend about how terrible the night is going because this is a family event. And through the craptastic night, you’re going to laugh sarcastically and whisper potential escape routes via flights of stairs or Chuck Norris style ninja pinwheels through the windows with no running start… together. Not to a cell phone, but to your spouse. To the love of your life. Because that’s the first person you would want to talk to, to help devise plans of insanity with if you were alone at the damn thing.
And yes, I realize my ideas are both naive as well as unrealistic; that no marriage can sustain that for a lifetime. But I’d like to think that those smaller rough patches, make couples even more determined to get through the bigger ones rather than give up.
But back to the question at hand: what was the defining moment when being open to and willing to put the effort (a key step) into a relationship tumbled down the list of priorities for me?
Better still, when did the notion of romance become something completely fictional, believed in only books and movies in my life and laughed at when it occurs in actuality? Cynic outwardly but hopeful that others will find their soul mates one day?
God, I’m such a weirdo.