There are very few blogs I follow with any kind of consistency. This is because I have been burned many-a-time by those who post frequently and then drop off the face of the planet.
It’s the literary version of an i’m going to ignore you til you get the hint kind of break up.
But enough about the break up artist blogs, and onto one that I truly adore. My childhood best friend introduced me to it based on my eagerness to find myself in the overwhelming world of fashion. The blog is Capitol Hill Style and it is fantastic if you’re someone like me who needs training wheels for learning how to dress like an adult.
And while 99% of the time it is fashion/beauty/style related, the author (Belle) posted a more personal entry a while back that I’ve read a handful of times because each time it rings truer and truer (is that even a word?). The post can be found here.
It speaks to heartache and growth between two people. The ways they can hurt each other and then laugh as if they had both been in on a mean joke. All of it was moving, though the following especially triggered something inside me, something I think I always knew but never knew how to say. So thankfully for me, Ms.CapHillStyle said it for me.
“A conversation can feel like sustenance, like nourishment, like hope and possibility, and it can fill you so full that you take flight. But, a conversation is just words if the follow through isn’t there. You can feel something from the top of your head, to the tips of your toes, but if you’re not willing to act on it, it’s not really real. And at almost-30, I’ve learned the difference between a fantasy and reality. One you want, the other you need.
The hardest thing in the world is to let your logical mind overrule your heart. Hope and emotion are powerful motivators, but insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result.”
I don’t claim to be an emotional person. I don’t have a knack for crying, and frankly most of the time I’m uncomfortable around it. I’m terrible at saying the right thing during difficult times, and I somehow get church giggles at emotional events.
But I have been in a not-so-unfamiliar situation (if you read her entry) and it’s a strange thing when I read about how she doesn’t date. And I wonder if it’s an effect or a symptom of being around that kind of person; of loving that kind of person – and then not loving them because it’s completely illogical.
And there is the person, and then the idea of the person. The difference is when you’re smacked with the realization that the reality isn’t the fantasy.
My life has ironically been a string of events of I never wanted the reality, I wanted the idea of the -reality which in fact, was fantasy-.
And that’s not what life is, or love for that matter. It’s not about imagining what life could be or what the person may become because it never turns out that way. You have to make the life you want, and you have to find the person you will love without wanting them to be someone else because otherwise you’re already hoping for a fantasy (even if it’s subconsciously) and already miserable with the reality.
I’m trying to make the choices that feel right, to forge the path that narrows the gap of fantasy and reality. It’ll never be perfect, but I know that in space between, in the gray area that I refuse to acknowledge in my black & white world there is a chance to be really effing happy. And I’m learning that to be happy life doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to feel fulfilling.